Minutes of the first COCKING CONVENTION

Date

October(ish) on a blooming Thursday night would you believe it - sorry Sara!

Venue

Fanny Adams in Shipley. Meeting convened at 20:30 with a pint (Timothy Taylors) all round and a bottle of rum.

In attendance

Wrigglesworth Tordoff (WT)
Il Cocko Grande (ICG)
JungleJinge (JJ and her agenda)
Ian B (IB)
That Sean bloke (TSB)
Scott of t'Antarctic (SOTA)
Saucy Viky (SV)

Welcome and Introductions

WT: hello

Everyone else: hello. Whose round is it?

Item 1: Points of order

When is a cock not a cock? (JJ and her agenda) Er..... why? (WT)

What are the origins of cocking? (JJ and her agenda) Well.... is it time for another beer yet? (WT).

Are you really called Wrigglesworth Tordoff? (JJ and her agenda) Bleeding cheeky get - of course I am how dare you suggest I made it up and that I'm actually called something else completely different. Bloody check (WT)

You haven't answered my questions and they're on the bloody agenda. (JJ and her agenda)

At which point SV and JJ took her agenda out for a smoke and SOTA complained that it was all a bit too well organised to be credible for his liking......

Item 2: New cocking categories

This isn't on the bloody agenda - you lot aren't taking this at all seriously I fear. (JJ and her agenda).

I want cock birth marriages and deaths even if it might be offensive and upsetting in some circumstances. (ICG)

Rightho then (everyone else)

What about cock grafitti? (SV)

What about another beer? (IB)

What about counterfeit cock? (SOTA) We could doctor things not called cock to look like cock and keep ourselves amused even when there is no cock about.

I want to just do Pure Cock from now on (ICG) - just things properly called cock - not just any old cock. Off you go on then you old purist you was the response.

Basically all the above were half heartedly carried as motions or something official sounding. They'll probably all appear at some point in the far distance future.

JJ and her agenda proposed a new category called international cock which everyone ignored as a thinly veiled attempt to get us to do something on her agenda and to have a category almost entirely to herself as chief proponent of cock globe trotting.

Item 3 Statement of accounts

WT complained most coarsely, using bad language and everything, that ICG still hadn't paid him back his £3.50 that he owned him from forking out for the cock memory stick that remains the one and only direct expenditure to date related to this great sporting activity we have invented.

More beer appeared at this point which was nice.............

Item 4 Voting for Cock of the Year

WT outlined the process to be used; each attendee having the right to do some votes on stuff that was cock of the month. Voting took a while and the result will be announced shortly on cock of the month pages. IB is still giggling about it. The winner got 16 votes altogether which still doesn't make sense, but I have the paperwork to prove it!

Item 5 Presentation

All the cocking colleagues gave WT a lovely card with a cock on it and a bottle of Cockspur Rum to mark this first cocking convention - however JJ, in a fit of pique at having her carefully crafted agenda entirely ignored throughout the evening, took back said rum for her own consumption later.

On which happy note, the first cocking convention came to a close as WT, SOTA, TSB and ICG wandered off to get a bus to the back of beyond which ended up as a taxi and kebab. The kebab repeated on me something terrible for several days afterwards.

Maybe it would be better if someone produced an agenda for the next convention.

Wrigglesworth Tordoff, minute taker and Cockmaster General.
2o January 2009

Cocking update #9 WT's new year message

Well here we are my faithful horde of cocking colleagues in 2009 and after a long winter cocking holiday, I have finally caved in to a concerted campaign of fishwife like nagging from JungleJinge our first lady of cock and dedicated Lady Lieutenant and agreed to catch up with an almost insurmountable backlog of cock - nearly 200 childish and rather daft things that you have all contributed to since I could last be bothered back in September last year.

Particular highlights to look forward to might be Cock of the Month awards for both November and December, as well as the first ever cock of the year awarded by concensus during the first ever cock convention held a few months back, attended by a number of northern cockers in a pub.

Talking of the cocking convention, I have got some rough notes somewhere that I promised to turn into proper minutes; after all, despite the general amateurish approach adopted throughout by cockers, the least I can do is to try and raise standards a little in order to make a true and accurate record of our exploits during our convention........

We also had some new cock categories suggested, including 'cock grafitti' which has great promise as there appear to be a good number of improbably proportioned phalluses daubed on the nations' walls and toilet doors; 'cock births, marriages and deaths' which is too controversial and potentially offensive for the newly bereaved for my liking and 'counterfeit cock' where the more experienced and daring colleagues can seek out and doctor things that aren't really called cock, but are hugely more amusing for having been made to appear to do so.

Anyhow, lots to do and hundreds of cocks to deal with, so cheerio for now and remember, irrespective of whether I can be bothered or not, always KEEP COCKING!!

Cocking update # 8. The next steps for cocking......

Well here I am again. Il Cocko Grande and I have been considering how to counter our childishly short attention spans and low boredom thresholds by thinking of some innovative new diversions for our favourite pastime.

Naturally, we've almost entirely failed to think of anything particularly amusing or entertaining so thought we would ask you, our adoring band of colleagues, what we might do next to spread this interantional phenomena even further to an even wider audience. What do you think - let us know via the comments section in this post or to our web address:

thingscalledcock@hotmail.co.uk

We did have some ideas:

• A new, "Not suitable for work" category - Cock Graffiti. It probably won't be suitable for anything else either, but we do have a few especially filthy bits of spray can creativity saved on the cock memory stick that I haven't dared upload before now. The time might now be right.
• The first ever Cocking Convention - an idea that's been floating around for a while now. Cocking Colleagues gather in a pub called cock, wearing T-Shirts with their favourite entry on the front and the blog's URL on the back and drink copious quantities of ale called cock and share stories about their cocking exploits. Apparently the landlord of The Cock and Bottle in Bradford is a close personal friend of Shaun / Sean and will maybe put on some butties and chips if we ask nicely.
• Do something with the facebook group that I created ages ago but can't be bothered making work - it would certainly expose things to a worldwide audience. But I still don't have the will to fathom out the intricacies of this particular bit of the information super highway, having been stranded in a lay by near Doncaster for many years now........

Of course if you agree with us about the lameness of our ideas, come up with your own you buggers and tell us. We can ridicule them accordingly as we see fit.

Probably we'll simply carry on uploading cock - but anything that exposes our sport to more willing cock initiates will be well worthwhile!!

At the very least, all I can say is, as ever,

KEEP COCKING!!

Cocking update # 7. It'll soon be Christmas

Another long lay off for your Master of Ceremonies and it serves me right therefore that I have just had over 250 new entries to upload - a marathon effort that took nearly five hours and a whole day's leave. Mind you its paid off as we have a whole fresh new batch of international cocks, nearly cocks, ass, tits and fanny to show off, along with a good number of amusing and rather childish non-cocks to present to you as well.

The Hot Mail account has been well used since I was here last as well - with about half the entries coming in via this route as well as some filthy jokes from various people as well - but I deleted these of course as I wouldn't want to offend anyone.

The number of visitors has risen gradually over the last few months and we are nearing the 2000 mark now - not bas really considering I set myself a target at Christmas last year to get 5000 hits by February. Err........

My next and final job to get things bang up to date is to award a number of cock of the month prizes - its a strong field so I will need to give it some careful consideration rather than just award it to myself like often happens. There are more than 30 registered cocking colleagues now, so the competition is fierce. Any suggestions for what the cock of the month prize might be? A pencil rubber with a cock on it or some thousand island dressing perhaps for those of us (i.e. Il cocko Grande) who love their prawn cocktails?

So, my cocking chooms as Antoine du Caun would say, that is that - the only other notable milestone that has passed refcently is the first anniversary of Things Called Cock - we started this escapade in May 2007; who would have thought that I could be arsed to carry on doing it for more than 12 months. I really must get a life of some sort before I die.

Cheerio everyone and remember - KEEP COCKING

Cocking update #6 - the return of the grandmaster cock

Well hello once again my faithful hordes of cocking colleagues. It's been a long lay off for Wrigglesworth your Master of ceremonies, following a change of job, switch of location, loss of computing facilities and a complete ban by Mrs Tordoff on my use of home computing systems due to the misguided view about the unsavoury nature of our glorious cocking past-time.

Still, here I am back again - using the facilties in Sevenoaks library, with a two month backlog of entries to catch up with - around 150 super cocks to add to our cock register - and a good number of asses, tits and fannies to boot! Bear with me - it's going to take quite some time to catch up. but don't let that put you off from submitting even more entries to our hotmail account!

There's also the excitement of the Cock of the month for both December 2007 and January 2008 to look forward to as well as a year of no decent prizes (or indeed any prizes at all) for thoswe lucky enough to receive this accolade and the chance to win COCK OF THE YEAR 2007 - mind you at this rate it will be nearly 2009 before I get round to sorting out the winner..........

In the meantime - you know how it goes by now: KEEP COCKING!!

November 11th 2007. Extraordinary Cocking Update #5 - our first 1,000 visitors.

Sometime during a frantic day of Cocking across the world yesterday, we achieved another milestone for Things Called Cock. Our 1.000th unique visitor dropped in to our world of cock.

Well worthy of an update to the community of cocking colleagues in its own right. Top work everyone - lets surge forward to our next target - 5,000 people showing a passing and somewhat bemused interest in this wonderful pastime of ours.

KEEP COCKING!!

1st November 2007. Cocking Update #4. Not quite the blitzkrieg we were expecting!

Well here we are again in balmy November. The grass is still growing (thanks global warming) and the leaves are resolutely staying on the trees until next next February. But despite the looming disasters that are bound to kill us all in the next month or two - GW, obesity (in my case anyway), MRSA, the world lard shortage etc.... - the community of cocking colleagues is continuing its stirling, if somewhat leisurely, march towards taking over the world.

The sad, lonely lives of more than 850 individuals have now been enhanced by our efforts to bring cock to the global village. More than 500 of them having come back for second helpings. The popularity of our on-line resources is growing by the week and the restructuring that is now complete (no more bright ideas please Tim) has successfully raised our profile.

What we need now is for those of us on the register of cocking colleagues (all 25ish of us) need to think of ways to raise our profile without spending any money. In the last few weeks, we have submitted e-mails and letters to Viz and The Sun; both of whom have ignored our fragile attempts at marketing and we've put ourselves on-line with the "young people" by registering a presence on my-face or book-picture or whatever the hell that social networking disease site thing is called.

Finally, I would like to congratulate Andy W for capturing October's cock of the Month award with his first ever entry to thingscalledcock. A smashing contribution that we've all enjoyed. Let's wish him well in his cocking career and hope that he doesn't have to move house again before he offers up his next flahing neon illuminated cock!

Well done everyone - KEEP COCKING!